Leo said, "It was all going OK until we split the house. Seems I got the OUT-side."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb!
Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer, asked the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given her in her name. "You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to register it in my name." The judge said, "Why's this so important?" - "Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with 'my own gun!" The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his face to hide his laughter.
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me." - "And you're asking my permission to marry her?" - "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the alone."
Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed by Sam, his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked Morris the suitor. "Yes, sir," replied Morris, "I'm sure that I am." - "Think long and carefully now," said Sherry's father. "There are twelve of us...including uncle Izzy"
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they never get the house!
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And just what is THAT supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
One year, a particularly harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she angrily asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual. "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." - "Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked. "Because you're an idiot!"
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and fool around," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
You look just like my third wife.
Of course I've only been married twice...
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Darling," says the husband coyly to his wife, "let's trade positions tonight to spice up our life." - "What a good idea." She replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and pass gas."