Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Miscellaneous Quotes & Quips

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Friendship is like peeing in your pants....
everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth.

"I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping."

Q: Why couldn't the 15-year-old boy get into the pirate movie?
A: Because it was rated "Arrrrrrr!"
(Thanks to Isabella for this one!)

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

Q: Why is a football stadium cool?
A: Because it's full of fans!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Q: How do you make a car happy?
A: You take it on a joy ride!

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be... until the looting started.

When you drive you are putting your life in your foot's hand.

Whether I am briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.

The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. I have never been able to make out the numbers.

All good things in moderation - including moderation.

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

Whose cruel idea was it to put the 's' in lisp?

Q: Where does one go if they lose a hand?
A:To a second hand store!

When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living." - "Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?" - "I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.