by Tim Varney

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, and/or the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.