Maineiac

The "Right-Reverend" Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/Push Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a- half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for being involved with an underage campaign volunteer.

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

You think "ethics" is an eastern European country.

You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names.

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were only willing to redistribute their wealth.

You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot or Nazi".

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a married man.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon after he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them.

Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion dollars ago, it was only 8 hours and 20 minutes ago at the rate Washington spends it.

Can you imagine working for this organization?

It has less than 550 employees with the following statistics:

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind: "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

The Original Version

The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical.... All the oil is in California, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Alaska, etc

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

Did you hear about the new Democratic NO CARB Diet for 2005?

NO C HENEY

NO A SHCROFT

NO R UMSFELD

NO B USH

This diet also includes, No RICE.