Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Its a Guy Thing

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Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

Read more: Its a Guy Thing

How to Tell the Gender of a Housefly

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This is the cleanest joke that's come across in a long while. Go figure...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

How to Change the Oil

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Oil Change Instructions for Women

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    $20.00 for oil change
    $1.00 for coffee
    Total = $21.00


Read more: How to Change the Oil

A Few Questions

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"God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick, I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

Read more: A Few Questions

Feeling Guilty?

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One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a company party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.

Read more: Feeling Guilty?

Excuses Why Men Forget Valentine's Day

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  • The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move?
  • I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
  • The Hallmark Store was closed and I didn't want to send less than the best.
  • I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!
  • I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner. Where were you?
  • I didn't know you liked jewelry.
  • I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic Holy Day.
  • Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office Massacre.
  • I thought we would do something different this year.
  • I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.
  • You didn't remind me!

Drugs for Males

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With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

Read more: Drugs for Males 

Drowned in Beer

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

Read more: Drowned in Beer

Dear Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Read more: Dear Tech Support

A Bottle Of Perfume

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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetic's clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

Read more: A Bottle Of Perfume

Because I'm a Man...

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Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Read more: Because I'm a Man...

A Bad Day

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The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and, along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house

Read more: A Bad Day

Annual Meeting

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annual meeting
Annual Meeting of Single, Straight, Emotionally Stable, Financially Secure, Intelligent Men Looking for a Long-Term Commitment.

And God Created Woman

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And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young.

And God spoke, saying to her, "Woman I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and you have given me two glorious hands, arms, feet, legs...etc.. I do not need but two breasts."

Read more: And God Created Woman

All Wrong

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A man and a woman go into a drug store to pick up a prescription.

While they're waiting, the man steps on one of those old-fashioned scales in the corner.

He puts in a quarter and out comes a card that says, "You are thoughtful, considerate, kindhearted, and good with children."

Very smugly, he hands the card to the woman.

She reads it and says, "It didn't get your weight right, either."