Maineiac

Where does a sick ship go?
To the doc.

He was smart. He took one of those trips where you go now and pay later and he never came back.

"Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?" 
"He was dead on his feet."

Money isn't everything, but it's way ahead of the competition.

"I'll bet there are people worse at golf than me." 
"Sure, but they don't play."

Civilization is held together by three things--the staple, the paper clip, and the zipper.

The Mafia invented acupuncture. 
Only they used an icepick.

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"