Maineiac

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." - "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."

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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa."

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While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

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Every night, my wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it!"

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My wife is kind of an old-fashioned cook. In fact, to this very day, she still makes radio dinners.

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says, "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"