- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
- I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
- I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.
- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my e-mail.
- When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
- I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? Okay, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
(Thanks to Gloria G. for sending this one in!)
After 21 years of marriage, I discovered a new way of keeping alive the spark of love. A little while ago I started to go out with another woman. It was really my wife's idea.
"I know that you love her," she said one day, taking me by surprise.
"But I love YOU," I protested.
"I know, but you also love her."
Moms will understand these...
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to get pregnant again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning.
As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
Finally, the children called her to come downstairs.
She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast!"
December isn't just for Christmas anymore! Here are some December Holidays to celebrate while waiting for the big one at the end of the month!
- December 1 - National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
- December 2 - National Fritters Day
- December 3 - National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
- December 4 - Wear Brown Shoes Day
- December 5 - National Sacher Torte Day
November isn't just for Thanksgiving! Here are some additional November Holidays...
- November 1 - Plan Your Epitaph Day
- November 2 - National Deviled Egg Day
- November 3 - Sandwich Day and Housewife's Day
- November 4 - Waiting For The Barbarians Day
- November 5 - Gunpowder Day
Feel like doing something different? How about observiing these unusual October Holidays...
- October 2 - Name Your Car Day
- October 3 - Virus Appreciation Day
- October 7 - National Frappe Day
- October 9 - Moldy Cheese Day
- October 11 - It's My Party Day
- October 12 - International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
September is a busy month!
- Be Kind To Editors and Writers Month
- International Cooperation in Learning Month
- International Strategic Thinking Month
- National Cat Health Month
- National Chicken Month
- National Coupon Month
- National Honey Month
- National Humor In Business Month
- National Literacy Month
- National Mushroom Month
Bet you didn't know that August is National Catfish Month, National Golf Month, National Eye Exam Month, National Water Quality Month, Romance Awareness Month, Peach Month, and Foot Health Month!
Here's more stuff you can celebrate in the month of August...
April is the time for welcoming Spring, the time for Easter, too, but also time to celebrate these holidays, if you're so inclined...
April is National Anxiety Month & National Humor Month
April 1 - April Fool's Day & One Cent Day
In the month of March, we celebrate the big one for the Irish but, of course, everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day! However, March is not just for the wearin' o' the green...
February is a busy month! Not only is February Black History Month, it is also An Affair to Remember Month, Canned Food Month, Creative Romance Month, Great American Pie Month, National Cherry Month, National Grapefruit Month, and National Weddings Month. There is also a weekly celebration in February called International Flirting Week from the 12th through the 18th. What a fun month!! Below is a list of celebration days for February:
Did you know that January is National Blood Donor Month, National Hobby Month, Hot Tea Month, National Oatmeal Month and National Soup Month? We also celebrate Letter Writing Week from the 7th through the 13th of January. Below is a list of days to celebrate in January:
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
Trick or Treat - Trick or Treat
Give me lots of bones to eat!
The figures are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the Hanukkah holiday vacation were:
- Three Men And A Bubbie
- A Few Hood Mentches
- The Cohenheads
- The Rocky Hora Picture Show
- Shalom Alone
- Goyz `N The Hood
- A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
- The Wizard Of Oys
- Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
- Prelude To A Briss
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping Through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah (The Megamix)
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with Those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!