Maineiac

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple steps for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Lesson 1

• Go the supermarket.
• Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their main office.
• Go home.
• Pick up the paper.
• Read it for the last time.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do that neat trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother, curious, asked, "What trick is that my dear?"

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

Jane's children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual.

In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called. "What's all the commotion?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing," Jane said. "Just the siesta resistance."

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Diane's four-year-old son overheard some of his mother's conversations.

One day when Diane and her four-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the four-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too."

"Really?" asked the lady.

"Yes." said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. Ah, how do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force Wing General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Little Johnny came screaming from the bathroom to tell his mother he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. Johnny's mother fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Little Johnny stood there thinking for a moment, then ran back to the bathroom and came out with his mother's toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet last week!"

A little boy walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, he made his daily trek to the elementary school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the students wrote: "0% financing."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE...

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
- Jan, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
- Harlen, age 8

On a flight to Florida, a young woman was preparing her notes for one of the parent-education seminars she conducts as an educational psychologist.

Making small talk, the elderly woman sitting next to her explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then the elderly woman inquired what the young woman did for a living.

The young woman told her, fully expecting to be questioned for free professional advice.

Instead, the elderly woman just sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

More examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests:

1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up.

The teacher asked, "Who'll give us a reason for being opposed to war?"

A bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?" the teacher prompted.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."