Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Great Truths About Life...

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Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Read more: Great Truths About...

Grandmas Coffee

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A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud.

Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother
in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she
forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

Read more: Grandmas Coffee

Getting Into Heaven

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The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

 

A Drink of Water

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Little Johnny is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad . . . " "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad . . . " "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad . . . " "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Dividing Nuts

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Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road.

Read more: Dividing Nuts 

Dear God

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Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Love,
Michaela

Counting The Seconds

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The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"

All the kids looked baffled by the question except Jasper, who raised his hand and waved it excitedly.

"Yes, Jasper, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.

"Twelve!" exclaimed Jasper.

"How on earth do you come up with that number?" asked the teacher.

Jasper explained, "Well, there's January second, February second, March second..."

A Child's Ten Commandments to Parents

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1. My hands are small. Please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture or throw a ball. My legs are short. Please slow down so that I can keep up with you.

2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have. Please let me explore safely. Don't restrict me unnecessarily.

3. Housework will always be there. I'm only little for such a short time. Please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.

Read more: A Child's Ten...

Calling in Sick

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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day.

Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...

Read more: Calling in Sick

Boys Will Be Boys

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Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. "Mommy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Hey! Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all!"

"Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?"

The Bible According to Kids

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(Thanks, Margie, for sending this in!)

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been edited.

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Read more: The Bible According to...

Back to School

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Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"

Away at Camp

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It was the first time that eight-year-old Jimmy had been away to camp and his parents were worried about him.

They called the camp and were a little sad that the child hadn't missed them yet.

"Haven't any of the other kids gotten homesick?" they asked.

"Only the ones who have dogs," replied the boy.