Maineiac

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show.

After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "but then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Okay, then... just tell my wife."

Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother who lived a couple of hours away.

"How did everything go?" her mom asked.

"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

"I have great news for you," the newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work. "Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm so glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

Another person asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten."

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter says, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, however, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big - what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it... to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Two guys are in a bar discussing their wives. One guy says all his wife does is nag him. His friend suggests that when he gets home, he do exactly as she says and see if that helps cut down the nagging.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says "Man, I don't think that your idea was so good."

"Oh?" replies his friend, "What happened?"

"I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said 'Why don't you just burn the whole house down?' ...The place is still smoldering."

A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Sholem Retirement Home. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be dirty and disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died. The entire family showed up for the funeral, and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

The groundskeeper at the cemetary, after two months of observing this ritual, decided to go talk to the old man.

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it?"

"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"