Family Safe Jokes

Find Us / Like Us

FacebookMySpaceTwitterDiggDeliciousStumbleuponGoogle BookmarksRedditNewsvineTechnoratiLinkedinRSS FeedPinterest
Pin It

Login Form

A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.


Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Three me were talking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained strangely quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

Read more: Control

Communication Breakdown

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce...

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

Read more: Communication Breakdown

Big Fat Trap

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over.

"Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.

"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.

The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."

Read more: Big Fat Trap

Be Careful What You Wish For

User Rating: 1 / 5

Star ActiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A married couple, each 60 years old, was celebrating their 40 year wedding anniversary, and during the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

Read more: Be Careful What You...

Barn Insurance

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Bad Luck

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day.

One day, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."

Read more: Bad Luck


Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Read more: Assertiveness


Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife.

The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

Read more: 50/50

21 Things Every Married Couple Ought to Know

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive
  • Don't yell at each other unless your house is on fire.
  • Take a shower together - it saves water, and may have other benefits.
  • When your spouse asks "Do you love me?" DO NOT answer, "I married you, didn't I?"
  • Make and keep a regular date night.
  • When you feel like dancing in your undies, do so in private.
  • Playing scrabble has been known to cause HUGE arguments - (So remember rule number 1 above.)

Read more: 21 Things Every Married...