Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Employee Handbook

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DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Read more: Employee Handbook

The Deaf Accountant

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Their was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hit men to his house.

Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Read more: The Deaf Accountant

Caught Sleeping At Work

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Try these excuses:

  • They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
  • This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
  • I was working smarter - not harder.
  • Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
  • I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

Read more: Caught Sleeping At Work 

Brown-Nosing

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A young executive leaving the office one evening noticed his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Seeing a good opportunity to do some brown-nosing, he asks, "Can I help you with something before I leave, Sir?"

"Listen," said the boss, "this is important and my assistant has already left the office. Can you make this thing work?"

Read more: Brown-Nosing

Bricklayer Accident Report

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This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

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Are You Ready For The Working World?

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This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

  1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
  2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
  3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
  4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

Read more: Are You Ready For The...

Application for Employment

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NAME: What would you like it to be!

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

Read more: Application for...

Airline Funnies

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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Read more: Airline Funnies