Maineiac

There's this convention of doctors in Geneva, and a group of three doctors (composed of a Russian, German, and American) are discussing the latest advances in their respective countries.

The German doctor says, "Well, we can take a man who was maimed in an automobile accident, patch him up and have him looking for work in about two weeks!"

The Russian smiles and says, "This is not bad, but in our beautiful country, when a man comes to us with need of a transplant, no matter how serious it is, we have consistently succeeded in placing our clients back into the job market in less than a week!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone, simply states thus: "Well, in MY country, we can take a half-brain from Arkansas, put him in an Oval Office, and HALF the COUNTRY will be looking for work the next day!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Bill Clinton is jogging and a car blows a tire and swerves toward him. Three teenagers quickly move him out of harm's way. The grateful president thanks them profusely. He also asks them if there is anything that they want. If it is within his power, he will do it.

The first boy says that he would love to ride on Air Force One. Clinton tells him that they will make a special trip to his hometown and pick him up for a flight.

Bob Dole, Dan Quayle, and Bill Clinton all get sucked up by a tornado (or is that tornadoe - sorry for the Dan Quayle humor) and deposited safely in the Land of Oz.

Due to being disoriented, they look around and wander aimlessly for a few minutes before they figure out where they are (the yellow-brick road and all).

Bob Dole says, "Seeing as how we're in Oz, I'm going to the Wizard and ask for a heart."

Dan Quayle replies, " I'll go with you and I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."

Bill Clinton looks around a little more and says, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ...

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by retiring Texas Republican Member of The House of Representatives, Dick Armey, who was asked: "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?"

He responded: "If I were in the President's place, I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'"

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV.

After a few sips, he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's backside I've ever seen."

Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV.

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Bill Clinton said "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, said "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

Hillary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!! I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???"

There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR ME???

Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper..."Who is this???"

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game.

The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents.

One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities.

The Clinton's were in a terrible plane crash and all three died.

When they got to heaven, they approached the Throne of God and God said to Chelsea, "Why should I let you into heaven?"

Chelsea answered, "I am the daughter of the President, a representative of all the children in America."

God said, "Very well, you may sit on my right side."

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.

The waiter asks "le apperitif?"

All of them answer "oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin: "oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?"
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT WITCH!!!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, "St. Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?"

St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move."

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

Bill & Hillary had Al & Tipper Gore over for dinner at the White House.

In the middle of dinner, Al excused himself to use the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back. They finished dinner and left.

On the way home, Al turned to Tipper and said, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?" He continues, "How can we tell the American people, we are serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid-gold urinal?"

Bill Clinton is out jogging one morning and comes to the Washington Mounument. He says, "George, what should I do?" Several minutes later George says, "Junk the IRS and start over."

Clinton jogs further and comes to the Jefferson Memorial. He stops and says, "Tom, what should I do?" Several minutes later, Tom says, "Scrap your welfare program and start over."

Not long after that, Clinton has jogged over to the Lincoln Memorial. He says, "Abe, what should I do?" After a long pause, Abe says, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"