Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Lab Fees and Cat Scan

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A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room.

The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead."

The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion."

Read more: Lab Fees and Cat Scan

Just One Question

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A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's only four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

Read more: Just One Question

I'm a Bull

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Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Read more: I'm a Bull

How To Give a Dog or a Cat a Pill

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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Read more: How To Give a Dog or a...

The Flying Turtle

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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Fire-Starting Feline Saves The Day

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BERLIN, Germany - In the northwest town of Luedenhausen, a family pet managed to endanger its family and save their lives all in one night.

A black and white cat named Mimi was playing in the family kitchen when it accidentally switched on an electric oven, igniting a stack of papers.

Fortunately, the clever feline was able to awaken the family by meowing loudly and pushing heavy objects on the floor.

A police spokesman quoted, "Mimi saved the family. There would have been a major fire had she not raised the alarm."

Had it never been for Mimi... nothing would have happened.

Fast Turtle

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A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast."

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The Drinking Snail

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A snail slides into a bar and goes up to the barman and says "I'll have a pint of Lager, please."

The barman is astounded and says, "Get off it, you're a bloody snail!" and he picks up the snail and throws him out of the door and across the street.

A year later the barman is working again, when he feels a little tap on his ankle as he is collecting glasses.

He looks down and the snail says, "What the heck did you do that for?"

Doing Nothing

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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Dog Rules

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  1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
  2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
  3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
  4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
  5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep on the bed.
  6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
  7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
  8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
  9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
  10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

DoGPiLe Patrol

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This is an actual classified ad that was submitted to our free classified ad service on This is not a joke, but sometimes certain things in life can be quite amusing, if you just have a way with this ad-poster did! (This "joke" is being included on the website with the owner of DoGPiLe Patrol's permission.)

Read more: DoGPiLe Patrol