A woman and her husband are both in the Internet business, but it is the husband who's the one who truly lives, eats, and breathes computers.
The wife finally realized how bad it had gotten when, as she was scratching his back one day, the man said, "No, not there," he directed, "Scroll down."
Catherine, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.
Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Redneck Computer Terms
- BACKUP - What you do when you run over a coon in the woods
- BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
- BUG - The reason you give for calling out sick
- CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
- CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
THE RARE GLITCH PROJECT
THE LEGENDARY SEARCH FOR A STABLE VERSION OF WINDOWS
by Nicholas Petreley (November 3, 1999)
(IDG) -- In October 1999, three student filmmakers disappeared in a building in Redmond, Washington, while shooting a documentary. A week later, their footage was found. What follows is an edited transcript of that footage. Fortunately, I was able to cut the transcript, which was 385 pages, down to a half page by removing the profanity.
Quips & Quotes on Computers
How to Get DOS to Run
"Run Dos Run!!!"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
The Engineer vs the Programmer
A Programmer and an Electrical Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The Programmer's Drinking Song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
98 little bugs in the code.
98 bugs in the code . . .
(Repeat until bugs = 0)
A Poem for Computer Users Over 50
A Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A Window was something you hated to clean
And a Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
PERSONAL ADS DECODER
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regret to inform you that we have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
'Twas the night before Christmas, & all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
The Microsoft Borg
In the wake of the emergence of the free Linux operating system, a quick look into the future.
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript:
(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Imagine if, instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku:
A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen is not the true Tao, until you bring fresh toner.
Says one friend to the other, "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0 CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!"
His friend replies, "That's nothing--if you play it forwards, it installs AOL."
Is Windows a Virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are beginning to ask themselves if Windows is a virus.
In response to the high demand for an answer to that question, a study was done and concluded the following:
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
I Read It On The Internet
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Internet Detox Center
The rules for the Internet Detox Center are as follows:
All words written must be in full form; No shorthand.
Group Therapy is not to be mistaken as a chat room.
The words LOL, Bling, A/S/L, and Pic, are forbidden.