Maineiac

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

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A woman and her husband are both in the Internet business, but it is the husband who's the one who truly lives, eats, and breathes computers.

The wife finally realized how bad it had gotten when, as she was scratching his back one day, the man said, "No, not there," he directed, "Scroll down."

Resume

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Catherine, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Read more: Resume

THE RARE GLITCH PROJECT

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THE LEGENDARY SEARCH FOR A STABLE VERSION OF WINDOWS

by Nicholas Petreley (November 3, 1999)

(IDG) -- In October 1999, three student filmmakers disappeared in a building in Redmond, Washington, while shooting a documentary. A week later, their footage was found. What follows is an edited transcript of that footage. Fortunately, I was able to cut the transcript, which was 385 pages, down to a half page by removing the profanity.

Read more: THE RARE GLITCH PROJECT

The Engineer vs the Programmer

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A Programmer and an Electrical Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

Read more: The Engineer vs the...

Over Quota

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A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regret to inform you that we have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Microsoft Christmas

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'Twas the night before Christmas, & all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Read more: Microsoft Christmas

The Microsoft Borg

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In the wake of the emergence of the free Linux operating system, a quick look into the future.

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript:

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Read more: The Microsoft Borg

Computer Messages

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Imagine if, instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.

With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen is not the true Tao, until you bring fresh toner.

Read more: Computer Messages

It's Evil!

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Says one friend to the other, "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0 CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!"

His friend replies, "That's nothing--if you play it forwards, it installs AOL."

Is Windows a Virus?

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With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are beginning to ask themselves if Windows is a virus.

In response to the high demand for an answer to that question, a study was done and concluded the following:

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

Read more: Is Windows a Virus?

I Read It On The Internet

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I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Read more: I Read It On The Internet