Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Got Milk?

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The blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful, so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Thinking she probably meant 1.5 gallons, he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

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Give Her Another Chance!

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All the blondes in the world were sick and tired of being made fun of, so they decided to have a meeting to prove that they are not stupid.

So the meeting leader asks a young blonde to come up and answer a few questions. The blonde comes up and the leader asks what is 1+3 to which the blonde answers 97.The crowd yells out, "Give her another chance!"

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Execution

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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

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Engine Failure

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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

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Diary Of A Blonde Newlywed

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Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Read more: Diary Of A Blonde...

Detecting

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Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

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A Death in the Family

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, tells the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy...just take the day off to relax and rest."

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Chainsaw

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A blond is living on property that she feels has too many trees. So she decides to go to the hardware store to get a chainsaw and chop down some of these trees.

She sees a chainsaw with a tag on it that says, "With this chainsaw, you can cut one hundred trees in a day!"

She buys the chainsaw.

The first day with the chainsaw, she is only able to cut down two trees.

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Census Taker

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A blonde was sitting on her porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"Okay, what are you selling?" asked the blonde.

"I'm not selling anything, ma'am," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?" the blonde asked.

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Cell Phone

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited; she loves her phone.

He shows and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping.

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Carpenters

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Two female blonde carpenters were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

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Car for Sale

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A blonde tried to sell her old car. But she was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a friend. The friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."

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Blondes Strike Back!

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Well, folks, it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

Q: What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A: Brown-bagging it.

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Blondes On A Rope

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There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off the rope."

After a really touching speech from the brunette before she let go of the rope, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

Blondes In Space

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."

The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while.

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Blonde Test Taking Secret

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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

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Blonde Lottery

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

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Blonde Loses Weight

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A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 20 pounds.

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