Where does a sick ship go?
To the doc.

He was smart. He took one of those trips where you go now and pay later and he never came back.

"Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?" 
"He was dead on his feet."

True Fact: If you open a curad bandaid in the dark that has the two adhesive strips on the sides of the wrapper, the two adhesive strips will glow blue. oooooh!

Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.

When I was a kid, my imaginary friend dropped me ...cuz his friends thought I didn't exist.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

A man was showing some friends his apartment.

One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?"

"That's my talking clock," answered the man.

"Talking clock?" asks the guest "How does it work?"

"I'll show you" said the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you jerk?!"

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

Once upon a time, there lived a little gray rock in a fish tank. His dream was to be a driveway rock.The little gray rock had two friends that lived with him in the fish tank, a red rock and a blue rock.

Everyday the fish that lived in the fish tank with them, would come over and make weird faces at them. The little gray rock really started to get bugged by this, so he formulated a plan with his friends. They decided the next time that fish came over, the little gray rock would climb onto his friends and smash the fish.

A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room, the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

• STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by Elizabeth Taylor
• BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
• HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
• DOWN HILL SKIING by Sonny Bono
• FLYING AT NIGHT by JFK, Jr.
• THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

I love the "swooshing" sound deadlines make as they go by.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.
-Angus Gray

Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one.

Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
-Lazarus Long

Everyday above ground is a good day.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain!

When ideas fail, words become very handy.

Always try to be the best, but don't ever think you are the best.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.

A proverb is the wisdom of many and the wit of one.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers...

Sooflay, the restauranteur

Guday, the half-Australian brother

Huray, the sports fanatic

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

There now. Feeling better?

California Examiner, March 20, 1998

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.

The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

by Tim Varney

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

To repeat what others have said requires education; to challenge it requires a brain.
- Unknown

***

Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark!
- Unknown

***

• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• A king's castle is his home.
• A penny saved is ridiculous.
• All that glitters has a high refractive index.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Anarchy is better than no government at all.